It was the summer of 1972 when 18-year-old Irish-Catholic Shelly met 24-year-old Marine Corps veteran, Tom, who had just returned from the Vietnam War. Meeting on the town square at Jubilee Day in Mechanicsburg, the attraction was immediate, and the dating began.
Three years later in early 1976, Shelley came to faith in Christ. Shortly afterward, Tom came back to the faith after having received Christ in Vietnam. They were married that May, and just a few months ago, celebrated 50 years of marriage together! What an adventure the past 50 years have been. It wasn’t always easy. Although it was hard and messy at times, it is a life that they are both grateful to have lived together.
Shelley: I often say that outside of the gift of salvation, Tom is the greatest gift God has given me. I used to pray for my daughter’s future husband, that God would send her a husband who would love her as well as Tom has loved me. And He did! I now pray the same prayer for my granddaughter.
Tom: I married up! I adore her! I would be lost or dead by now without Shelley. My goal is to help her be a Proverbs 31 woman.
Tom and Shelly see God’s faithful hand throughout their marriage. Here is their top ten list of things learned after 50 years of marriage.
- Make your personal relationship with Christ your top priority.
We are not only husband and wife — we are also brother and sister in Christ. The closer our personal relationship is to Christ, the healthier and stronger our marriage is! Our expectations should always be of God, not of each other. Right now, one of the practical ways we help each other prioritize Jesus is attending church together. We love to worship together, and we regularly discuss the sermon on the way home. We’ll often stay in our seats when everyone leaves to tell each other how the Lord spoke to us during the service, which sometimes results in tears. Shelley says, “This is why I no longer wear eye makeup to church!”
- Pray out loud together every day.
This one is simple, but oh so powerful. We didn’t do this well early in our marriage, but as we matured in our faith through trials and struggles, we learned that we are stronger together than we are alone. Years ago, when our oldest child went to middle school, he became a creature we barely recognized. We felt helpless, and this became a pivotal moment in our spiritual lives as we began praying together. Our son is now over 40 years old, and we praise God for the answered prayers.
When we talk out loud to God, it is so good to hear what the other is feeling and thinking. Praise God and thank God for each other out loud every single day.
- Claim some Bible verses for your marriage.
Speaking scripture out loud keeps us focused on God’s agenda and not our own. To be honest, though, neither of us is super great at memorizing, especially now that we are 70+ years old! When we can’t quite remember, we pull out the Bible and find the verse we need.
Here are two of our favorites:
“Be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry.” James 1:19
“A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” Proverbs 15:1
We have practiced these for years in our marriage and trust us — they work! This is our faith in action.
- Have fun together.
Find something you both enjoy and be intentional about doing it together. This will vary as life stages change. Right now, we have two favorites. First, we regularly visit local coffee shops and spend one or two hours in each other’s company with a good book. Secondly, we love attending our grandchildren’s sporting events together. We rarely miss one!
- Make it your goal to become a communication expert.
Learn your spouse’s love language and speak it regularly. Listen well, ask questions, and don’t assume that you know what your spouse is thinking. Over 20 years ago, we read Gary Chapman’s book, “The Five Love Languages”, and we loved it! It made perfect sense to us, and we often recommend it to young couples. Tom’s love language is quality time, and Shelley’s is acts of service. Tom immediately began cleaning the toilets and vacuuming the house. Shelley began to accompany Tom to places she was never particularly interested in – auctions, antique shops, and flea markets. As we became intentional about speaking the other’s love language, it made a significant positive difference in our relationship. Tom says it revolutionized our marriage! It is all second nature to us now.
- Join a LifeGroup.
We need each other. Live life with others and grow together in your faith. Have “refrigerator friends,” as Pastor Trent calls it – the kind of friends who know they are welcome enough to come over at any time, open your fridge, and grab a snack.
We have been part of LifeGroups from Maine to Maryland over the past 25 years! While each one was different, they were all invaluable to us. They were our community, our family, and our go-to people when in need. Our very first LifeGroup, back in 1999, had a marriage ministry focus, so each meeting focused on marriage. We believe this is what called us into Marriage Ministry. These folks prayed fervently for us and our children. Now, we are part of a LifeGroup with a different perspective as we age. Meeting is a highlight of our week as we digest the sermon together and apply it to our lives. The focus of our current LifeGroup is to follow Jesus and make Him known, and each week, we challenge each other to do this better!
- Serve in ministry together.
Serve the body of Christ. If you can find an area where you can serve together, it is an immense blessing and so good for your marriage! At West Shore, Tom and I serve on the Hospitality Team and in Marriage Ministry. But we also serve as mentors to many, and this is what we love most! It blesses us so much to disciple other couples, either couple-to-couple or one on one. It’s a joy, not a sacrifice, to invest in others. We also find that in doing so, we grow closer to Christ.
- The Holy Spirit resides in your spouse and will speak through your spouse.
When you marry, you become one flesh. It’s a bit of a mystery, but it is God’s design and plan. Marriage is a three-way covenant between husband, wife, and God, making it the most intimate of all human relationships. Because the same Holy Spirit lives in both of us, it is an incredible gift to be able to recognize that Spirit’s presence in one another. We often ask each other to pray for the Holy Spirit’s guidance in a particular area of ministry or life. It is such a blessing to have a partner to help discern God’s will and encourage you to follow where He is leading.
Listen well, because your spouse is God’s son or daughter!
- Next to God, your spouse is your #1 ministry.
Always put your spouse’s interests ahead of your own. When you both learn to do this well, it makes for an amazing relationship and becomes a powerful witness to others.
- Share your greatest blessing of the day.
Before we go to sleep, we have a ‘best practice’ of sharing our greatest blessing of the day each night after we pray. Every day brings great blessing if we have eyes to see it. We each share a separate one of our own. One of Shelley’s blessings is that our grandson, Tate, attended his first Faz 6 meeting on Wednesday and was excited to tell her all about it. One of Tom’s was a recent phone call from a former rugby teammate that he hadn’t spoken to in 35 years, and he was able to share the gospel with him!
A marriage built on God’s blueprint is one of the most powerful tools there is to draw others to Christ and bring glory to God. Tom and Shelly are so grateful for the past 50 years, and while they don’t know how many more they will have, their goal is to run their race well. Their excitement lies in how God will use their marriage for His glory in the years to come!
